Malibu Presbyterian Church and a Sunday Morning of watching a beautiful space burn

What is it like to watch one fo the most sacred spaces you've ever known, burn down? What is it like to sit at home and watch as your church, your office, catch on fire.

It is pretty awful.

I got 4 hours of sleep tonight, and woke up with the reality finally sinking into my pours. After answering probably 100 phone calls and another 200 text messages yesterday (I am not exagerating) I am raw. I am overwhelmed.

I keep thinking of all of the little things that burned. My childhood bibles, my pretty green velvet chair that I found at an Estate Sale which I had at my former church and carried to Malibu with me. I think of the little thank you notes, all the pictures kids have painted and drawn for me over the years, it's all....gone.

And I know it's just "stuff" and I hear the truth that we will rebuild, and I am hopeful and optomistic and even in moments excited to be a part of this amazing church...at such a time as this. But, it was my "stuff" and it was special to me.

My stomach is in little knots. I saw a picture last night which showed the flames filling my office window. It made it feel so personal. My pumpkin candle and pictures and couch and mini fridge and all the care and details that I loved...all burning...helplessly.

My friend Tim called me at 6:30am yesterday. I was thinking "what's Tim calling me for, I've got another 1/2 hour till my alarm goes off." and he said "hey Kristie, there's a fire in the canyon...I'm headed to church...don't drive in yet."

I said "wait, are we not having church?" and he said "oh I don't know it's up on the ridge right now...so we'll see, I just don't want you to drive in and get stuck."

Tim said worried, "This is scary because usually the fire burns it's way to the ocean, and our church is right in that pathway. I'm going to get some computers out just in case." I said "Tim will you get my guitar out?"

And he did. Ross and Tim rescued both of my guitars. The one I love, is one i bought when my grandma died with some money she left me. I named her Esther...because I have used that guitar to lead worship in many "such a time as this" situations. There aren't words that I can say to describe how grateful I am that I will be holding my guitar sometime today...so deep...so deep.

So I grabbed my softest blanket and headed down to the couch where I turned on my TV and began to watch the coverage of my beloved Malibu on fire. I watched familar spaces as they glowed in the red of the haze and smoke. THen, at 7:30 or so, Tim called and said "Kristie, get people to pray...it's headed our way!"

I texted several friends...and called my daddy. We sat on the phone and he tryed to rationalize how the fire would not at all burn Malibu Pres....the parking lot...the schrubbery...etc etc. I watch the hellicopter pan the lanscape of fire. I saw this small little dot about the size of 1/40 of the screen and I recognized the zig zag wheelchair ramps and said "daddy there's fire all aroudn the building!!!!" and he said "are you sure? That may not be the church. Kristie that could be any place, how can you tell?" and then we sat there and I watched as the camera panned closer and my sweet church caught on fire.

I wailed and cried and screamed and cried out "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And my roommate came downstairs because of the angish she heard and we sat there as I wept and cried sat with my mouth open in disbelief. My world sat on fire. My beautiful space...a sacred and holy space...burning.

And so that's all I have to say is that I can't wait to see my fellow staff members...to hug them and look in their eyes. I shiver and wait to eventually walk amongst it all and see the ashes of that place.

I'll be writing here, because this is where I have grieved publicly for so many things. I will grieve and wait and find hope again...I know. I know this, because I know that God is love and light and He is sooo good. I will praise God in the midst of all circumstances.

The song that I sang over and over as I was in the midst of the destruction of Hurricane Katrina stands out for me:

Blessed be your name
in a land that is pleantiful
where the streams of abundance flow
blessed be your name

blessed be your name
when I'm found in the dessert place
though I walk through the wilderness
blessed be your name

every blessing you pour out I'll
turn back to praise.
when the darkness closes in Lord,
Still I will say:

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name.

And so I say "god is good" and he is love and light and he is about redemption and bringing beauty out of ashes...as he continues to show me in my own life.

Isaiah 40:31
"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will stregnthen you and help you. I will hold you, with my righteous right hand."

Comments

[mle]

kristie, i am so sorry for all of this. i have been thinking about you and your church and your flock ever since i learned the news yesterday. it kept me awake all night. anyway, i wish this wasn't the occasion to be bringing your blog so passionately back to life, but i really do look forward to reading more of your thoughts and feelings. know that you are surrounded by clouds of love and support all over the country...

[KC]

praying for you ms. kristi. check out Mark's page www.markdroberts.com

[Andrew Seely]

still praying...

[Carissa]

I was reciting that verse last night as I watched the fires...So do not fear for I am with you...Praying you feel God's presence holding you close as you sort through this loss and what comes next!

[JennySmith]

It didn't make sense to me when I showed up for worship on Sunday. They said that Malibu Pres. had burnt down. I thought, "But no - Kristie said it was only in the path of the fire, not that it actually burned down." I was, like your dad, thinking that it wouldn't burn. My heart was sad for you and your congregation on Sunday, knowing that it did...not because you won't be able to rebuild because, of all congregations, surely your church would be able to afford what that entails. I was sad for the memories and the places that now no longer have a home.

On a sidenote that may potentially of bad taste, I couldn't help but think about when you mention your pumpkin candle in your office that at least your office smelled good in its last moments.

[Rob]

May I please reprint this in our church newsletter?

I'd appreciate it.

Rob Carr
Pleasant Hills Community Presbyterian Church
Pittsburgh, PA

[revkpd]

The prayers of Pioneer Memorial Presbyterian Church in Solon, Ohio are with you and the congregation.

Deep, deep peace...

Kerri Peterson-Davis

[revkpd]

i just read your bio - ironic, i'm a so cal girl that ended up in ohio. but oh how i miss sunset on pch...

[Beth]

Kristi, I'm the worship leader at Laguna Presbyterian Church and we found out during the first service on Sunday that your building had burnt down. I was doing the offertory next and I was to sing, "As the Deer" and our congregation will tell you that I've never sung like that in my life, it was because I was crying out to God for you and your congregation. In the second hour we already had planned in the liturgy to sing, "Blessed Be Your Name" and before we sang it together I said to our congregation, "Let us sing this song this morning for Malibu Presbyterian Church and for all those who going through difficult days, let us Bless the Name of the Lord!" I think that God wanted me to share this with you today as an affirmation of His presence with you all.
In Christ,
Beth Pinney

[Susan]

I saw this on the news but your post made it so much more real and personal. Thank you for being so open and honest in your grief. Know that many Christians are sharing your pain and are with you in prayer today and over the next weeks and months as you rebuild together.

[Steve Weber]

We learned in worship yesterday of the fire that was in the process of burning Malibu Pres. Our prayers continue to be with all of you.
Mount Vernon Presbyterian Church
Mount Vernon, Washington

[Steve]

Kristi:
Steve Norris here, Elder at Hollywood Pres, and friend of both KC Wahe and Mark Roberts. At the end of our morning service yesterday, our pastor announced that your church had burned down. An audible gasp filled the congregation of over 400 people. We were stunned. We had a small arson fire in on our own campus just two weeks ago, so we "get it", if only in small part.

So many are praying for you today, and in the tough days to come. I love how you expressed your grief so openly - no smarmy Christian stuff. Thank you! God will bring about something beautiful from these ashes. Your brothers and sister at Hollywood, both big and little are with you in spirit.

Hope, Grace, and Peace unto you all!

[Ryan Lambert]

Kristie,
Grace and peace to you during your grieving. I passed through LAX on Saturday night and cannot imagine that just a few hours later the fires were raging. My prayers are with you, with the folks of Malibu Pres, and with all those amid the fires. May you all be safe now and may the Spirit guide you as you re-imagine the future. Thanks for your words...

[Jason]

I know exactly what you and your fellow churchgoers are going through right now. Earlier this year, we watched our church burn down right in front of our eyes. It was a terrible, terrible experience. And yet, God has remained faithful to His church and His people. I will be praying for all of you, that God will support you and comfort you as well, and that His Gospel will continue going forward.

Grace and peace...