HONESTLY SPEAKING

So uncool...and trying to live authentically.

Do you ever wonder how annoying we'll find our selves in a few years?

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I drive a Hybrid car. I didn't mean to be trendy. I really wanted to save the earth...but look at me...I drive and SUV that really only gets 22 miles to the gallon. If i really truly cared about the earth I should've gotten a civic. Or what was really so wrong with my Jetta anyways? I wanted an SUV...and it was the only way I could do it and not feel bad. I like my car though...it's stylish and fun...and my Jetta did have a lot of miles on it.  The thing is people are really proud of me for having a Hybrid...and I'm just not. It's just extra money on an already large payment. Oh well...and someone out there is driving my Jetta around probably thinking it's just great.

The other day I called someone narcissistic for having 4 blogs. I think I might be right, but then again...what do I know...tweet tweet...blog blog...unless I'm in someone's head and heart...they should be left well alone with out my condescending judgments. 

I'm cynical tonight about myself and about others. I think it's probably a good idea to live with a healthy dose of cynicism about myself. I don't want to think I'm soooo cool that I have it all together. That's just annoying. 

I saw a "tweet" from a christian author who is trendy and he was talking about the guy who directed the Breakfast Club dying. I felt like it was so cliche. When I heard that he died, I thought "oh here we go...a bunch of silly people are going to claim the knew all about this guy because they watched the breakfast club 20 times in Jr. High at a sleepover...they probably...like me...didn't know his name before this point."

I can just see it. "Blah blah blah...he was so brilliant....such a shame...blah blah blah (insert newly learned trivia found on wikipedia moments ago)...blah blah blah"  I mean, likely he was brilliant, and likely he should be remembered for his great works...but all the trendy tweeters going on and on about it....please spare me. 

in related annoying things I've noticed myself doing...I will tell you a story:

The other day I was driving in the car with a few people. One of those people happens to be a man who I am interested in dating and who there are sparks and fun interest...you get the picture. Anyway, I don't know him very well yet...and I was feeling insecure that he might think my life is too together and that I have too much and he might run away before he gets to know me...assuming I'm an entitled, high maintenance rich girl. I was worried about all of this and so it came out in this weird way where I was just trying to be really funny and cleaver and make sure that he liked me a lot...or that I'd entice him with humor and coolness so he would stick around and get to know my heart. Yup. Lame, right? Human though I think. Oh well. 

While we were driving I made an assumption that maybe he'd think I was boring that I like to listen to mellow indie rock music. It's totally my favorite...that and classic mellow stuff like Joni Mitchell, James Taylor, and the Beatles. I like my Rock and Roll...and even have it on my iPod...but for whatever reason it wasn't playing on regular rotation. I am also quite prone to listening to "The Message" on my XM radio. I like the worship music as I drive...it's so good. (this music I also decided he would think was boring and corny) Soooo I searched for the top 20 station on XM furiously as I drove...and couldn't find it...so I just shut the radio off. I was acting so strange and unlike me. I was annoyed by the way I was acting which as you can imagine, only made things worse. 

And I think of it now...and I think it's really pretty dumb. Why couldn't I just relax? My fears were overwhelming me and I thought that if I could control the way he viewed me for now...like I said...he might stick around and give me time to reveal my true self to him. I hope he does...we'll see. (I hate living in the "we'll see" place but I think God much likes how close it makes me come to Him)

I have been thinking about all of these things...these cool things we do to try to "appear cool". 

SOme people say it's a thing of youth to care what others think, and if that were true, then all the older people I know getting plastic surgery and fancy cars and hanging out at strange bars wouldn't be real. I find that living authentically and truly to who you are is a journey...one that takes courage and strength. I am not impressed with myself...but I sure hope that others might be from time to time. I cover my insecurities with music I don't really like and funny jokes that I wouldn't normally tell. We're so messy.

My prayer today to the Lord was that He would continue to help me to live more authentically to who I am. I don't want to be a fake in any place in my life. I know that this requires a great amount of acceptance and love of self...and of letting go and receiving grace for who that person actually is.  I've found that in Malibu, the place most people deem "fake" I have become the most authentic version of myself I have ever seen. I feel so at home with the friends I have made, and that there are so many looking for someone to be real...that by my seeking this slice of life...I am finding so many others on this road too. 

Maybe this is all too self-revealing...or rambly and disconnected. I'll only know when I re-read it and make sure it's worth posting...but I was driving through the canyon on my way home today...listening to some dance music with a great beat (which I really enjoy) and thinking about how my search for a top 20 station the other day was kind of pathetic and sad. 

And I'll be honest...I watched the Breakfast Club a lot as a kid...it was funny...but I never knew the director's name.  

I'm bad at paying my "optional" bills on time, but trying to improve. Since I've moved...I'm doing a lot better. Bills like my mortgage and car payment...I'm always early on. 

I hate mayo and always will...and i don't like coffee or beer. I've tried folks, the taste has never been acquired.

 I would be much cooler of an Angeleno if I liked Sushi but it always gives me a wretched stomach ache.  

I've never liked dive bars or Las Vegas...they remind me of really terrible family members of mine who had vacant looks in their eyes and liquor on their breath...and hugs that always made you feel sad inside.  I take that back, I can hang in Vegas for a day or two if I don't think about it too much...but I'd really rather go to Yosemite or beach camping.

I don't like soap operas or reality tv shows...I get bored. 

I want a tattoo but I'm too noncommittal right now. 

There you go. I confessed to some really uncool things...and I'm totally ok with it. 

I think Jesus would be super annoyed with how much we focus on being "cool". We've built quite an alter around it all...and I'm just saying...let's think about it just a little...

A little catching up on life...

I'm finally home. 

After almost a full month (July) out of town, I'm resting in my own bed and really liking it. I do miss the places I've been...but they have left me with a renewed sense of self and a fresh perspective as I look out at my life and what is ahead (known and unknown). 

There have been several observations I've noted in the last weeks and thought "oh i just have to blog about this" but I haven't...for whatever reason I haven't done much writing other than on a book project that's just sort of pouring out of my heart lately. I think it's likely that it's been eating up all of my "writing juice". :) 

I spent last week up at Forest Home Adventure Mountain with 18 of my Malibu kiddos...they were sooo good and so darn cute. I had such a fun time bonding and laughing with them. When I look at Adventure Mt. I don't feel stressed out by the week...I feel excited. It's sort of like a preteen utopia. They sleep in these amazing cabana tents which have beautiful decks in the front of them, and they get to eat together in a dining canopy and play games, go to the lake, swim in the creek, skateboard, swim, create art, cook, use bow and arrows, sing songs, and hang out all week with some amazing young adults who pour into their lives. I felt like my soul kind of danced all week enjoying the moments as I observed and lived them. 

One of my favorite observations came Friday as I went into the boys tent and said to Jonah (9 yrs old, name is changed for privacy) "Wow, Jonah, good for you, you're all packed." He looked at me and said "oh, I actually just haven't really opened my bag much. I have just warn these clothes all week."

Classic.

I then related this story to LJ and Micah (our counselors for Malibu Pres) and Micah told me that our identical twins boy campers were instructed to change their clothes...because they too had been wearing the SAME clothes for 4 days in a row. 

What did they do? 

They traded shirts.

I love it. It just makes me giggle. 

So, I guess you know when camp is coming to a close when you sit by the boys during worship time and it smells like you are sitting with a bunch of homeless people who don't have regular access to clean clothes and showers. 

Even with the stench of dirty clothes and squirmy kids, I love the outdoor amphitheater that they meet in each night. I sat there in that place and felt such a sweetness of the Lord's presence. I looked up at the trees, the same ones I had looked up at as a 9 year old pondering the universe. I felt small and childlike sitting there. I felt blessed to have this journey with my creator that I could come back to these physical places where something very deep and mystical had taken place in my heart. These places where I came to understand the love of Jesus a little more. I praise God for these beautiful spaces in my life.

I came home and after having some house guests from Forest Home, went to church. I was excited to see my sweet friend Quinn start to walk and also blurt out "bottle" showing me his bottle. I love him to pieces and just stand in awe of the miracle God has done in healing this wonderful child, now almost 2 years old. I love his toothy smile and the way our eyes connect. 

I walked into my church, after being gone from them for a while and I was overwhelmed with love. I just felt so loved and loved them so much...it was a homecoming for my heart. I'm excited to get to return and start the process of preparing for the fall. 

After church I went with some friends (Julie and Greg, who are recently engaged and I'm their maid of honor) to the beach to eat lunch. I changed into a sundress and dug my feet into the sand. I felt so alive and grateful to get to be on the beach and be carefree. The water was turquoise...almost Hawaii blue...and I could've sat there till sundown. 

It happened to be Greg's birthday, so we headed to the Malibu Lumber Yard (which does not sell lumber) and bought 2 cupcakes and split them. We got talking to Carlos the resident security guard and struck up a friendship hearing every detail of he architecture of this place. He was lovely and we had fun talking with him. I ran into my new friend Laura who is a well known author, and we also ran into another man who is vacationing in Malibu before he starts his year long sabbatical. The breeze, the sunshine, the people, malibu...I just drank it all in and felt completely alive. 

I took a short nap when I got home and then got ready to go to my friend's wine & beer bar/grill "The Office" 

for live jazz and time with Susan. We sat and talked and tasted wines that their distributor was pouring that night. It was really fun and refreshing to sit with Susan who has been my best friend through so many years. We were 12 when we met and have lived a lot of life together including being roommates in our early 20s. She's now pregnant with their second child, and I just love being with her whenever we can. 

After she left to relieve a babysitter  and I stayed to hear some music and because I had just consumed a full glass of wine and thought better of hopping into the car just because she had to leave quickly. :) John, her husband, and the owner was still there so we hung out for a while. 

He introduced me to a guy he's friends with and I sat at the bar as he shared his painful story of divorce, chronic injury, having his kids live across the country, and the woman he lived with now. THere was so much pain in his eyes...so much guilt...he said he knew Jesus and prayed to him throughout every day. I believed him. I think he talks to Jesus all the time...I think it's likely the only person that this man feels is even listening to him...but I don't think that he's aware of how much Jesus loves Him...if he was...his eyes and life would look a lot differently. I tried to gently speak into that pain and hurt...and tell him what I thought of how Jesus would want him to let go...to forgive...to move forward into better life. I thought if for a moment I can bring some of this light I'm living in to this man...hopefully it will bring him some hope and a window of the great love God has for him that he is unaware of. 

I drove home. Spent the day here in my house doing errands, washing clothes and sheets and catching up with friends.

I'm excited to return to work today. Excited for the season ahead of moving into our temporary church buildings and my new office which will have a window!!! 

I hope you have a beautiful day and that you live in the light...knowing that the creator of the universe loves you so much that He came to earth as Jesus to tell you this truth...and to redeem you each day and for every day. 

knowledge, pluralism, and leaning in to listen.

I've been reading the Shack this week while I've been sitting on the beach here in Maui. 

I am reminded here on vacation, when I am required to do NOTHING, of God's incredible creation and of how important getting away is. In the past years I've filled a lot of my vacation time with trips to big cities...the busy kind of vacationing...not much relaxing. I like both kinds but this has been what I needed. 

It was Socrates that said "An unexamined life is not worth living" and I have to say that it is in these times where I deeply examine. 

Today I took a bright green raft out into the rolling waves and floated. I thought about how in many ways I have been someone who has hoped for no waves at all to come into my path. I've done everything possible to create a calm ocean. Today, I was thinking about how necessary waves are for renewing and stirring the ocean. The movement of it all is what keeps it alive. Without movement and dynamic quality, the ocean would be like a large stagnant pond. Instead, in most cases, it's refreshing, beautiful, and a home to many created things.

Perhaps I don't know why the waves in my life have come, but I have been able to see so many times how these waves have shaped me, tumbled me around, and smoothed some edges off. In many ways the dynamic nature of my life has been what has brought about freedom and new life. 

I was thinking today about this moment I had with the Spirit a week after the fire in Malibu. Someone anonymously paid for me to go up to Forest Home for a weekend. It was late October, a week after the church burned down. I went up there and spent the whole afternoon on a blanket laying under the trees by the lake that have been home to much of my thinking and growing and feeling at peace. That day, the orange and yellow leaves fell gently around me and I pondered the whole thing...how could a good God allow this? I knew God to be sovereign enough to have the ability to stop the fire...but He hadn't. I wondered, was a passive God loving? Didn't it make him responsible a bit if He didn't stop something I perceived as awful, if He had the power to? 

It's easy to answer those tough theological questions when you're not faced with them personally. But there I sat...with the questions freshly placed in my hands...again. 

I laid there, in the grass, with the leaves falling and I concluded one thing..."I trust you"  Those were the words that I surrendered too. I figured, I could deconstruct and swirl in circles for years filled with anger...or I could give up my own pursuit of understanding and rest in God's knowing...trusting that He would do something through it in me...and through it in the church...and maybe for anyone nearby.  Perhaps the ripple would be more significant than the catastrophe. Perhaps His story of redemption would be reflected in this story...as God seems to tell over and over in each of our lives if we let Him. Most of all, I surrendered to the not knowing or needing to know...and it's worked well for me. 

Today while reading the Shack I was on the last part of Chapter 9 and I felt enlightened even more as I connected our culture's pluralism to our fallen desire for knowledge. It was in Eden that we decided that we could discern what is good and what is evil...it was there we took it in our own hands. 

Autonomy was what we thought could bring freedom. It shook me up to realize even more that our cultural narcissism did not begin with Reality TV...instant celebrities and families on camera are only a magnifying our original sin. It's not new...it just might be manifesting itself differently today than it did a bunch of years ago when Eve bit into that apple. 

I've got to be honest, I've struggled my whole life with the "die to yourself" language in the bible. I didn't like it. Today I finally got it. Lame, probably to a lot of you...because you got it all along...but I started to really understand...it's not that God wants me to divorce myself from all that is "me" but that He truly wants me to put myself in His hands...to live with Him and not to strive to live without Him. And I don't think that any of us would really admit to actively wanting to live without God...but it's how we are. It's the way things are right now. I don't want to hear "why not" sometimes...I don't want another opinion on the things that I want to do...this way of thinking is living for myself. 

It makes me squirm to even think of how many thoughts and ways of being are living apart from God. I don't really want to be convicted of it. It's likely I will be convicted of this my whole life because God loves me enough to remind me to stay near to Him....because it's the narrow path that leads to LIFE. 

I've thought about a lot of other things today, but this is why I am totally sold on this vacation thing...to vacate and be with my creator...to let him toss my thoughts around a bit in the waves and give me a grand understanding of what He's capable of doing as I look at this amazing island. 

Waves come, tide changes, and it all...creates something real, new, and changing.

An Education in Domestic Human Trafficking

In the past weekend, my eyes have come to open to the realities and tragedies of Human Trafficking. I didn't realize that it was in my own backyard, but it seems that LA is one of the several hubs in the US. Other cities are San Fran, NYC, Boston to name a few. 

As I prepare to launch Life to the Full Curriculum I am trying to look at where some of the proceeds will go. I am thinking right now that I will put half of my tithe to Kiva.org and half to a human trafficking organization, or maybe several. 

I just talked to my friend Rachel Johnson who is working with an organization called Touch a Life Foundation. We talked through my situation the other day...which another organization is working on...and she led me in the direction of a few books that she'd recoommend.  Rachel is working with slave traders in Ghana and is concerned with foreign human trafficking, though is in relationships with many organizations domestically who are active in stopping this kind of thing in our country.

I would like to recommend the books to you too so we can all become educated with the problems. I am hoping to become a volunteer.  With so many great needs in the world, I have passion for many of the injustices around the world and spend a lot of my time trying to help children understand these things. I feel as if God has placed a new passion in my heart this weekend for a specific way I can funnel some of that passion. I believe firmly that we are not to be focused in 100 directions...but to pray "Lord, where do you want to use me" and then be committed to that cause. Too often our generation becomes too gratified by partaking in the "Hometown Buffet" of non-profits...which rarely leads to lasting change.

The book that Rachel recommended to me is called "Not For Sale"  by David Batstone who began the organization Not For Sale Campaign 

Like I said in my last post: "Ignorance does not make us Innocent"

Also, check out www.callandresponse.com

Is the cost of your 20 dollar foot massage much more?

I went today to treat myself to a foot massage in the valley. I'm not going to reveal the exact location at the advice of an organization I'm now in touch with who is looking into it. More on that perhaps later. This was my third visit to this location and each time the manager at the front has given me the creeps. He's a scraggly white man who looks like he's a shady life and you can see it in his eyes. It's like you can't even see his soul...that kind. I walked in this morning, to notice another man across from him and they told me to a wait a minute. I was ushered into a room with 4 chairs and a young woman started to work on my hour long massage. 

These massages are called "foot massages" but they are actually wonderful full body massages. 

My massage was very nice and relaxing. She was sweet, respectful, and spoke no english at all. 

When I walked out she said "you like my services?" I said, "yes, very much. thank you."

She followed me and stood waiting for a tip. I rummaged in my purse for the gift certificate I had been given. I gave it to the shady man at the desk and then opened my wallet and found four 1 dollar bills and handed them to the girl. She remained standing there.

THe man behind the desk looked at his buddy who was equally scary looking and said "you should try her. She's new. We just brought her here."

THe man said "how much did you give her?"

I said "four dollars"

He said "Well, if you liked her services, you should give her more. She works on tips alone."

I said, "then where does the 25 dollars go?"

He said, "she works for tips". 

I started to get angry. I said "sir, in our country we pay people a minimum wage. Is this what you're doing bringing people from China to use them as slaves?!"

He said "Yes, yes, minimum wage. It's just good you pay her more because she only works for tips. Sure, sure, that's what I'm doing...managing slaves."

I said "are you the owner?"

He said "i am the manager"

I said "what you are doing is illegal, terrible, and I will be reporting you and will never return. Are you comfortable with yourself managing chinese slaves?"

I said this as a customer walked in. I wanted him to hear me say this so he would know too. 

THe man behind the desk just said "thank you very much, thank you very much" in repetition to get me out of the shop.

I looked around the place, and I just got more and more angry. 

It felt dark and evil, and I hadn't wanted to believe my intuition was correct because the prospect of a 20 dollar 1 hour massage sounded like a great new routine for me. Convenient, affordable, relaxing. It can't be these things if it means we are contributing to the treatment of immigrants. Whether legal or illegal, we each should treat every human being with dignity. 

I closed the door firmly and walked out to my car thinking of who I knew and who I would contact today that is involved in investigative reporting. I know the issues are complex but I think the first thing we need to do is expose these horrible practices that many of us are not aware of. 

I thought inside, "this is righteous anger. I will not be able to ignore this."

So, I tell you this story to tell you to be very careful when you consider the things you do and pay for.

 Ignorance does not make you innocent. 

I will keep you updated as I pursue this thing that has been revealed to me. 

I came home and saw a flier on my table that said "christians concerned for Burma" and I thought, yes, yes...I am concerned for Burma and now...I am concerned for Ventura Blvd.

Human trafficking is something we hear a lot about, or not a lot about, depending on what you're reading or listening to I suppose. I just have always wondered "where is it? I don't see it?"

Perhaps this is the day my eyes are opened.  

I found this article worth reading

Anonymous?

I'm home tonight, enjoying a beautiful quiet night. My soul feels very quiet and surprisingly melancholy. Could be that I need some sleep...or that there are some deeper losses and sadness that are surfacing a little. I'm alright with a melancholy night. 

LJ is here and we're comfy on the couches, candles lit, and listening to my favorite XM radio station: Coffee House. It's nice to have a friend like her that doesn't require a lot of conversation to be comfortable. Rare to find these friends. LJ is my intern this summer...and it's delightful. She stays a my house a few days a week. I look forward to those nights.  Tonight we made french toast at 9pm because we weren't hungry at dinnertime. It's a cozy evening.  The comfort of being in the room together yet not having to say anything is something I hope to find with my future husband...whoever he is...space to think...but not alone.

I've been thinking a lot about my private and public life. What do I want to share? What do I want to keep private? What is mine to hold dear...between me and God...and what do I want to share to open up space for others to experience freedom and that much needed feeling of "me too!"

There are some things I would like to write about. Things that I think could be very helpful if shared...not really for my benefit...but for others.  I am just so cautious...more than I used to be...to share and unfold those things that I find private. I know the sacrifice of sharing...and sometimes it is more of one than others. 

I guess I'm just wondering what it is that God wants me to do with some of this that I know I have a lot to say about...but of which I would rather be silent on. Hmmm interesting. 

See...now I've just been vague and strange. There's the rub. 

Perhaps I'll make up a penn name. That might be just the trick. A blog under a different name...hmmm...

I think that might just work. I'll have to come up with a believable but dreamy name. :)

Or, should it be a really obviously fake name. Perhaps it can be an anonymous blog for many of my writer friends who want to write some bold things and not have their name forever linked to it.  Might be a great idea...what do you think?

I just think as I get a little older and more secure in who I am...I don't have as much of a need to share my every thought with the world.  I think we are far to public with our lives...and I am probably twittering and updating my status less often with less detail now to have a little more anonymity. Anonymity is totally underrated...I gotta be honest. 

Well, that's my rant for the night. Hope you have a lovely Thursday.

living in the tension

Here is the written version of my sermon yesterday:

I’ve spent the last 3 years writing Sunday school curriculum, and in doing so I've gone through most of the Bible. In doing this I have been given quite an education of my own, and it's been so wonderful. 

 One of the things I’ve noticed the most is that God is multidimentional, dynamic- we can not finish understanding God. There will never come a day when we will totally understand God…he is that complex and wonderful and unchanging, yet dynamic and full of emotion and love. 

   A friend recommended a book called A Severe Mercy. I liked the title enough to buy the book. I read “severe” and “mercy” next to each other and I though “well, isn’t that Jesus!?” 

The idea that God’s mercy is severe…takes my breath away. 

So is God also severely just? 

Do I like that He is just? 

Social Justice- not a cooler word out there right now…but is it deep justice…or just social? 

I was interviewed the other day by a professor in Kentucky about social Justice…he’s wondering why this generation of 18-35 yr olds is so passionate about it. We had an really fantastic dialogue about the next steps of where to take this generation ideally and how we need to back that passion with principle…the ones that we find in the Bible. 

I want justice for the poor, I want justice for the children around the world enslaved in the sex industry. I want liberation for those who find themselves enslaved by anything in this world…whether it be physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional…these are the things I am willing to live for. 

But do I want God to be just with me…or just merciful? 

Do we like very much that God calls us out of some of our sinful behaviors and creates avenues for transformation for us? 

Sometimes we do, with the easy stuff… But what about when it comes to the more subtle of injustices and sins in our life? What about the things that our culture has breezed right over and deemed “human” rather than “sinful”? 

We read often about living water, life to the full, peace that transcends understanding, but how do we let that become a part of our everyday life? Are those going to be theoretical things that we come to know when we die and go to heaven…or are we going to be a people who are willing to boldly expect transformation in our lives now? 

If the kingdom of heaven is full of these things…and God offers us that now, are we willing to allow Him to be Lord of our lives and understand both His mercy and his Justice? 

Read John 8:1-11

This is truly one of my favorite stories. Here a woman, ashamed…and Jesus steps in and redeems her publicly. Before we take a closer look at this story I want to just make sure you are aware that this may not have actually happened as it is not found in the original manuscripts of the bible. However, scholars agree that it is theologically consistent with the person of Jesus and we can look at it like a parable and understand Jesus more. So back in the center of the town, I imagine this woman: ashamed, broken, . She has been acused of being a whore. Called out. And the punishment? Death. 

According to their law justice was for her to be put to death. They were going to administer justice to her. ANd not because they cared about her, but because it was about them being right and catching Jesus in being wrong. 

Jesus redefines justice and adds in mercy. He loves her and looks at her and says “go and sin no more.” Or the message version says “go on your way. From now on, don’t sin” 

From now on, Don’t sin. 

How do I deal with that kind of justice? How do I live in that tension of both being extremely merciful, and yet just in a way that calls for transformation. 

Will she be able to do it? 

I don’t know. 

We don’t know the next part of the story, do we?

Does she continue sleeping around? 

Or does the love of jesus so transform her life from the inside that it flows out to the outside? 

I think that this is where we are able to live in the tension. 

The tension created by living in both a just and merciful way. 

When these two come together…it is LOVE. 

As Christians I think we can get apathetic and lazy and fall into one side or the other “if I keep this checklist of things well, I can cruise in Christian autopilot” Or we go about dismissing all of the darkness in the world and say “hey, Jesus forgives you, it’s okay.” 

This either or living is very similar to our western thinking which is polar in nature. We can tend as a culture to be black and white: we like to define things and understand them in a concrete way. 

When I was 12 or so I began really understanding that Jesus was asking for me to live every moment with Him. In my wobbly way of trying to understand this: I decided I wanted to be a great Christian. I tried really hard. I woke up a lot of mornings and prayed “okay, Lord, today I’m going to try not to sin at all!” I was really tough on myself…I wanted to be kind and friendly to all people, I was going to kill my brother with kindness when he ticked me off, I was not going to gossip (a tall order for a jr. high girl), and I would try not to use profanity. I wasn’t dating any boys, so I didn’t need to worry too much about that part of things…but I thought these are the things that can keep me living the way Jesus wants me to. 

And this…is religion. This is making a set of rules to try to create a way that makes us feel like we’re obedient. The rules aren’t the problem…but how they affect our living and our ability to show mercy is where they don’t fulfill Jesus’ true desire for justice. 

It would be like driving by the ocean, but never swimming in it. God wants more for us. 

Justice is restoring things to the way they are to be. 

Mercy is forgiving someone for something they don’t deserve to be forgiven of. 

If we believe that God created all of this and all of us with an intention of the way it should be…that there are right and wrong things then as people seeking God’s way, we should be about the right things in the world. 

We should also be about the restoration of things and people to their right place. This is why I think it’s correct theologically for Christians to care very much about the earth and that we should be joining if not leading the way to being green. 

I spend my days caring a lot about the restoration of peoples’ hearts and lives. I want to see transformation happen. I can only see that to happen if we are engaged in a deep understanding of our own personal sin and finding redemption in Jesus for that. 

Justice without mercy can become legalism or empty religion.

Mercy without justice is weak and can lack principle, depth, and become pluralism.

 It is in the tension of both mercy and justice that we come to know what God’s love is like. 

Back in the courtyard I imagine this woman taking the first step away from the scene. What is her life going to be like now? How does experiencing the love of God, the Love of Jesus, transform us? 

Have you come to look him in the eyes and show him your wounds? 

Have you been too afraid of what God might think of you?

Have you felt ashamed? 

It is only in our encountering the Love of Jesus that we can understand why it is one would live the Christian life. If you haven’t let Him look deeply into your soul with you…to even call justice to our ugly parts…and bring mercy to the brokenness…I would venture to say that you have only experienced religion.

 Jesus spoke against religion and called us into the true reality of the universe which is His Kingdom. It is a kingdom that is built on a beautiful redemption that happened on the cross, for you, for me, and that calls us into a freedom that will never leave us looking around for more…but will take our breath away and at times be so overwhelming that we can barely take it all in. 

I want to encourage you to take a risk. If you haven’t ever come to meet with Jesus about who you are and where you’ve been…then I invite you to do so. You don’t have anything to fear…because you will be met with a love you’ve never known. This Jesus who met the woman, is the Jesus you will encounter. 

If you do know Jesus, then I invite you to join me in continuing to venture to inviting him deeper and deeper into your soul. There is no limit to the depth of love He has to show us, and I am excited to know that love more and more every day of my life. Because the more we let him love us, the more we won’t help but be transformed, and we will be people of deep justice and severe mercy because that is what love is like and that is what this world is starving for.

A little update...

I had a lovely lazy day today...the way we're supposed to (but I often struggle to) spend our Sabbath time. I stayed in my PJs until an hour that I will not publicly admit to. Then my dear friend Natalia came over and we went to Starbucks to sit and talk and people watch. I saw a good 1/3 of Malibu Pres (okay, I'm exaggerating...but I certainly will never be without friends...I just need to go to Starbucks) 

We sauntered over to Albertson's and then to the nail place to get our mani/pedi...and then off to dinner later at the Counter in Westlake. I had the most fantastic veggie burger I think I've ever had in my life (and I've had several)

It's amazing what good rest can do for perspective and peace. I'm settling in very well here in Calabasas. The pace is just right. I love the constant views of rolling hills and oak trees. It's funny because I remember driving past this place on my way to Santa Barbara and I always thought it was such an enchanting part of the drive up the 101. What a treat to call this "home". 

I'm reading Romans right now...just the first read...and then I plan to get a study guide or something to take it deeper. I feel really enriched by reading the Bible. I highly recommend it. Life is so shifty and the news around us so daunting...it's good to have something deep to sink your mind and heart into.

On a much lighter note, I really enjoyed watching this by some of my friends at Bel Air Pres: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qs8Ts1Y3UpM

As far as books go...I'm reading a few. A Severe Mercy is the one I'm reading the most right now...but I've also picked up a copy of Rob Bell's "Jesus Wants to Save Christians".  

Life to the Full will hopefully launch June 15th (that is if I can meet all my deadlines on time) 

and I'm getting really excited about it and ready to see it all come together. I am looking very forward to focusing more on the marketing/sharing end than the technical part. 

Kind and Severe

I meant to do some errands last night and had been reading the bible most of the afternoon. I was creating the Sunday School lesson to send out to teachers and I became so enchanted with the words before me. They leapt off of the page and were filled with passion, wisdom, and heart...I felt like they were alive...and I actually believe that His word is.

I began driving down PCH, because I felt the Spirit leading me to do so. I passed a "beach access" sign on Broad Beach I'd never seen before. I did a U-Turn and saw D'Amores and decided that it was a good day for a slice of their pizza and I took it to the ocean and sat with it.

It was about an hour before sun down and I hadn't realized how much I needed to be still. I needed to sit and just "be". A lot of my living with Jesus feels like "doing" and I sense that God is urging me to see that less of this "doing" and more "being" with Him is what He desires for our relationship.

I sat and contemplated so many things. The intimacy with my God was so rich and deep it'd cheapen it to share it with you. I will tell you that i pondered the edges of the ocean. THey were curling into beautiful waves and no wave was the same as the one before. The ocean would swell differently...the water broke in these beautiful curling and powerful waves. It struck me that God is so infinite and wounderful like the ocean. He is dynamic and strong and full of passion. I saw a verse in Romans 11 yesterday that said "Notice that the Lord is both kind and severe" I found the ocean last night to be an alegory to this truth. The ocean is a deep and wonderful home to so many, but it is severe and powerful.

I thought also about how God being so powerful is important to me. If God was indifferent and not both kind and severe I would not find Him to be loving. Have you witnessed those parents who don't care? It is so frustrating because their indifference is so close to distain. It seems to me so clear that the justice of God is so directly necessary to the love of God...even if that Justice reigns over me too. I want a God that opposes the sin in the world that is so broken and ugly. I love that He will be angry for the things that aren't right in this world...and perhaps also in me.

I find this both unsettling and comforting. As I read through Romans 8 yesterday, I noticed the parts that were severe. I think I often notice the kind parts of the bible. I like them better. Yesterday I noticed what was severe, and i felt convicted and frustrated and called to a higher living. Noticing only the kind parts seems easier...but it does not bring about justice.

Justice has to start in my heart. I have to be willing to take all of what God is calling me to be and then also come to Him for the mercy He offers me when I can not live it all.

Seems the cross looses it's depth and dynamic beauty when all we do is worry about how to be nice. Love isn't just being nice...love is both severe and kind.

lovely, dark and deep.

I'm enchanted today by this ending to a Robert Frost poem:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.